Fish Don’t Know They’re in Water

Society values people with self-control. These people are often successful in many aspects of their life. They make sacrifices now to get a bigger, better reward later. They are law-abiding citizens with strong moral compasses. They are the person that friends and family go to for help with problems. They might be the straight A student, the employee of the month, or the parent volunteer. 

In theory, this person is the ideal friend, family member, coworker or partner. They seem to have their shit together and live the perfect life. But, can too much of a good thing be harmful and painful? The answer is… yes.

Can you imagine being ALL of these things ALL the time? If you are not used to being helped, do you think it is easy to receive help? If you’ve developed a system to get shit done, how open would you be to exploring other ways of doing things? How might this get in the way of your relationships?

These traits are part of a personality style known as overcontrolled. The first time I heard about this I was consulting with a colleague about one of my patients. As my colleague was speaking, I realized that I was my client, and my client was me…. Let me explain.

If you ask a fish about water, they would probably have no idea what you are talking about. Fish don’t know that they’re in water. A fish is born in water, lives in water, and dies in water. It is all they know. Sometimes, things are so close to home it is impossible to see them until you take a step back and zoom out.

This is how I live life. I am so focused on achieving my goals and checking off my To-Do list that it makes it difficult to see the big picture.

I will admit, initially I was horrified! Some of my thoughts probably were:

-          What?! This is not normal? Am I not normal?!

-          Is this not how we ALL live life?!

-          Why can’t we ALL do the right thing ALL of the time?!

-          How can people relax when there is so much to do and so little time?!

And the other part of me was RELIEVED. The more difficult thing for me to admit (which I will do here because I am practicing vulnerability) is that:

I AM TIRED

I AM OVERWHELMED

I’ve been tired and overwhelmed for a VERY long time. It takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to be on top of everything all the time. And most importantly, I feel GUILTY for feeling tired and overwhelmed. I have judgement thoughts like "I should be able to do this. I've done this forever so why am I struggling to do this now?" Deep down, my fear is that if I can’t do everything well and if I can’t do everything for everyone then I have no value and I have nothing to bring to the table. I recognize how unrealistic these expectations are, and at the same time, the emotions attached to them are so strong!

I also know that I am not the only person living life this way. Does this resonate with you?